Jealousy

One of my twin mom friends wrote a blog post titled "Green Eyed Monster" at http://www.goddessinprogressblog.com/2011/06/the-green-eyed-monster/ and without sounding like I have totally copied her post, her words totally resonated with me!  Even though I was very lucky and was able to get pregnant very easily both times that I tried, neither pregnancy went the way I expected.  My first pregnancy, I ended up on bed rest with pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks.  I was hoping to go totally natural and let my body tell me when it was ready to go into labor.  That plan went away when I was induced at 38 weeks.  I ended up going into labor on my own and didn't require any medication until my contractions slowed and my son somehow got stuck.  needless to say, I ended up with a c-section and then on magnesium sulfate.  Breast feeding was pretty much a no go.  He didn't take to it like I had hoped and wasn't gaining weight, so I ended up attempting to breast feed, supplement with formula, and pumping every 2 hours for a while until his doctor felt like he was gaining weight appropriately.  By then I was pregnant again, he was only 3 months old.  I figured here was my second chance.  Then 2 months later we found out it was twins.  Once again I ended up on bed rest, this time for 3 months.  I was hoping for a VBAC, but again my body didn't cooperate.  My son was breech and he was babyB and the bigger of the 2 (come to find out he was all of 2 oz bigger) and I wasn't able to go for a VBAC ( I also had pre-eclampsia again).  They were 5 weeks early and didn't exactly take to breast feeding.  After having a full term baby that didn't gain weight after breast feeding and knowing that my twins were on high calorie formula when they got formula, I was too worried to breast feed.  Then they ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks and on an even higher calorie formula.  Having 3 babies under 1 with some calorie issues was not conducive to anxiety free breast feeding.

I had my tubes tied after I had my twins.  My husband and I decided that 2 difficult pregnancies was enough.  We had 3 beautiful babies  and didn't need to chance things again.  As much as I know it was the right decision, I still sometimes long for a "normal" pregnancy with no issues after birth.  I long to be able to go into labor on my own.  I long to be able to breast feed my child.  These are things that I will never experience and when I see others having this experience, I feel like I lost out and didn't get what others get to experience.  When I get like this, I often remind myself that I have 3 beautiful children that are healthy and even though my pregnancies and their births as well as the first few months after they were born, I am extremely lucky to have them in my life and we all just have to deal with what nature gives us.  I certainly could have experienced worse issues and could have lost any and all of my babies due to health complications, but some one was watching over me and them and kept  all of us safe!  And for that, I am truly and extremely grateful!

Amy