One of the blogs I follow, http://zimmerzoo.com/, wrote about anxiety in her latest post. This as well as thinking about the honest feelings that some people write about in their blogs gave me fodder for what I am about to write.
It seems like forever that I have been a shy, awkward, introvert that had a few close friends, but never really felt comfortable in crowds. Even as far back as elementary school, I aways had one best friend that I did everything with. That went on even into adulthood. Given that my life has had major changes over the last few years, I don't have as much time to be out there meeting people and when I am out there, at say twin group activities, I find myself tending to stick with talking to one person rather than moving around and chatting with everyone.
Once I had my twins, I joined a local twins group. I have met some really nice people, but my anxieties about starting a conversation with people has limited me to really getting to know only a few people in the group. That being said, a lot of these people have already formed friendships and my lack of confidence tends to make me think that they have their friend group and they don't need others (or me) to be a part of it. I believe that these are my own issues and not the fact that they don't want me to be involved (at least I hope that this is the case). I think I am a friendly person with things to share and bring to a friendship, I just sometimes find it hard to put myself out there. I decided to become the COPE co-chair to get out there and meet new people and hopefully start to make friends. I was just at a meeting the other night and ended up talking to just really one person (as usual). I kept thinking "I am a co-chair. I should be moving around the room seeing how things are going not just having a conversation with one person." Did I ever do that? No! I have thought about resigning as co-chair thinking that maybe I am just not meant to chair a meeting. I get all anxious at the thought of having to start a meeting. This is absolutely crazy since I am a social worker and I should be able to run something akin to a support group, or so one would think. The other part of me says, your a crazy person and just stay with it, which is probably what I will do unless someone asks me to.
I could write a book on my insecurities and maybe it would be a good thing to write them down, just maybe not in cyberworld for the world to see. I think it may be helpful for me to see in black and white what they are so that I can dela with them. One of the things that I don't want to do is pass on my lack of self confidence to my children. I know what it was like growing up not feeling good enough and I don't ever want them to feel that way!
So, I have put myself out there writing about this. Hopefully if people read this, they won't think I am truly a crazy person. Hopefully other people in the twins group won't want me to step down from being the co-chair of COPE. I guess I just needed to put some of this out there for myself to see in writing and maybe if I did it in blog format, I was hoping that other people will comment on waht I have written. Some day, I'll deal with these foolish insecurities and hopefully will stop beayting myself up.
Thanks for listening,