Life After Having Kids

Having three kids in 10 1/2 months has been a crazy but awesome ride.  Before you have kids, you think you know it all.  Then you have kids and, at least for me, everything I thought I knew was totally turned on it's head.  So many of my goals with having kids have not been met, natural childbirth, breast feeding, etc.  I now realize that as natural as somethings are, there are things that get in the way.  It doesn't make me a failure, it just is a learning experience and just a different way of doing things.

One thing that I truly believed would happen, is that I would all of a sudden have all these new mom friends, especially having twins.  Even though I have met a lot of great people (since having kids), I haven't formed the friendships that I had hoped to form after having kids.  Maybe it's just too soon.  Maybe once the kids are in school.  Michael is in school, but the kids in his class, like him, have developmental delays and I don't know if that makes a difference, but he has not made the friends that I had hoped.  I did miss a birthday party this summer for one of the little girls in his class.  I was horrified that I didn't see the invite until school started in September.  I would have loved for him to have gone to the party.

Life is crazy with 3 little kids.  It's definitely getting easier with them getting older.  I have more free time that I can do other things instead of having to do everything thing for them.  They can play by themselves more often when we are at the park and, at least for my twins, they find friends to play with.  Michael is a little different story.  He tends to play by himself not really interacting with other kids, even when my husband and I intervene and try to initiate interaction.

I have talked a little here about how I am disappointed with the amount of comments that I get on different social media sites.  I just want to make sure that I am really appreciative of anyone that takes time to read wether they post a comment or not.  It just frustrates me that I comment n other peoples posts on different social media sites, but it doesn't seem to be reciprocal.  I wouldn't mind so much, but certain people comment on other peoples posts.  I think, at this point, I have resigned myself to the fact that they are just not going to comment and I need to let it go.  I am going to keep posting on different social media sites and if I get comments, awesome!  If I don't get comments, no big deal!  Maybe one day something will resonate with someone and they will comment or maybe what I write will resonate and they won't comment, but it will make a difference for someone.

I am going to keep trying to meet new people, broaden my social circles as best I can and I'm sure in time, I'll meet more people and have friends who I have things in common with.  I would love to have more friends who create, so maybe I need to join a guild or something similar.  I tend to be more introverted and shy.  I like small groups, not large groups.  I like to have a few really close friends not a lot of acquaintances (which is what I feel like I have now).  I need to be better at talking to people and socializing.  It's not easy (given that I'm a social worker, you would think that talking to people would be easy), but it's something I need to do!

Amy

Public Preschool Eval

Michael turns 3 in about 3 weeks.  This means he'll age out of early intervention.He still has a pretty huge speech delay so we are having him evaluated through the public school system.  I know that he'll qualify for speech therapy, but I am also hoping along with speech, he'll get to go to the public preschool.  I think that he'll benefit from the preschool program for his socialization skills.  He is just starting to parallel play with others.  He is just starting to be social rather than always being on the outskirts of things.  I know that this is most likely just him being more introverted and shy, but I think that he needs to work on this skill and I think our EI group has really helped him with this.  I also think that this will help his speech instead of just having speech therapy a couple of times a week.  In 2 weeks, the school psychologist is coming out to our EI group to evaluate him.  The next Monday, the day before he turns 3 we have his IEP meeting where we will discuss what the public school's assessment is and what the plan is.  Thankfully our EI worker is going to the meeting with me.  My step father is watching the other 2 so I can go to the meeting and hear what they have to say.

I really can't believe that Michael is going to be 3.  It feel like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with him.  I was just looking at the picture on the top of this blog, for Halloween 2010, and from that short time, it looks as if he has become such a big boy.  I can't believe how much he has changed.  He has done so well in EI, but he really still needs loads of speech therapy.  I really hope that the school feels the same way and he gets to go to preschool with in a week or so after he turns 3.

I am so looking forward to tomorrow, but I am actually a little nervous too.  Any words of advice from others who have been there?

Amy

COPE

This year, I decided that I needed to get more involved with my twin's group, so I decided to be the COPE co-chair.  COPE is a monthly informal support type group.  We get together to help with issues that we are facing or just to get out and be with other moms.  I haven't quite decided how things are going.  Part of me is concerned that I am not doign enough and that I should do more.  Then this month's meeting in in West Newton, which is just too far of a drive for me after work.  By the time I got there, it would be almost time to leave.  These things have got me wondering if I should step down and see if someone else wants to be the co-chair, or if things are going ok as they are.  I guess I should probably talk to the other co-chair to see how she is feeling.  I should make sure that this isn't just all in my head. 

Sometimes, I wonder if I am active enough, or friendly enough, or just too quiet.  I would love to have more playdates for the kids and for me, but somehow my schedule or somethign else seems to get in the way of getting out there and being with other moms and kids.  Ireally need to get to the library in town.  Actually, tomorrow, I am going to try to get there in the morning, so that the kids can play.  I also want to sign up for their story time so that we can start meeting more people in my town.  Also, I think I should maybe I should put myself out there and see if people want to come over our house.  Our house is just so small and cluttered, that I sometimes wonder if it's even worth having people over.  But, maybe that's part of the problem.  Maybe I don't invite people over enough.

Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive and I just need to stop over thinking things.  Life's too short to worry about stupid things.  I just need to be a little better at putting myself out there and I need to stop being so introverted at times!

Amy

Feeling Somewhat Better

I posted a few days ago that I was starting to wonder if it was worth conintuing to write this blog.  Mainly this was do to my lack of followers and people who comment.  I totally realize that this blog is for me and if people read it and comment on it great.  If there are not a ton of followers or coments made so be it.  I got a few comments from people saying that they to don't always get coments or have the biggest following, but they write for them.  I need to remember this.  Also, people have reminded me that just because people don't comment of follow, doesn't mean that they don't read your blog.  The funny thing is, after I wrote that post and got some of those comments, a friend mentioned that she reads my blog often.  She has never commented, but she reads my blog!

I think part of these insecurities come from never really having a ton of friends.  I have always had a couple of very close friends and a bunch of aquaintences, but never a huge friend base.  I guess, I thought that maybe as an adult things would change.  I thought, maybe I'd be more likely to open myself up and be more friendly than she and quiet.  I thought having kids would make things easier.  Unfortunately, none of these are true.  I have met some great people/aquaintences between grad school, work, and being a mom, I just haven't really made the friends that I thought I would.  There are a lot of these people that I would consider a friend, but unfortunately I don't think that the feelings are mutual.  I know having 3 little ones so close in age may be making things a little more difficult.  I know that my shyness tends to be a major limiting factor.  I know that people's busy schedules play a huge role.  But, I also know that there are plenty of people in my situation that have made friends, close friends, not just aquaintences.  Maybe as I get more comfortable in my own skin and I open up and become a little more extroverted, maybe then I'll be able to make soem close friendships and not just have aquaintences!

Amy

Anxiety and Feeling Inadequate

One of the blogs I follow, http://zimmerzoo.com/, wrote about anxiety in her latest post.  This as well as thinking about the honest feelings that some people write about in their blogs gave me fodder for what I am about to write. 

It seems like forever that I have been a shy, awkward, introvert that had a few close friends, but never really felt comfortable in crowds.  Even as far back as elementary school, I aways had one best friend that I did everything with.  That went on even into adulthood.  Given that my life has had major changes over the last few years, I don't have as much time to be out there meeting people and when I am out there, at say twin group activities, I find myself tending to stick with talking to one person rather than moving around and chatting with everyone. 

Once I had my twins, I joined a local twins group.  I have met some really nice people, but my anxieties about starting a conversation with people has limited me to really getting to know only a few people in the group.  That being said, a lot of these people have already formed friendships and my lack of confidence tends to make me think that they have their friend group and they don't need others (or me) to be a part of it.  I believe that these are my own issues and not the fact that they don't want me to be involved (at least I hope that this is the case).  I think I am a friendly person with things to share and bring to a friendship, I just sometimes find it hard to put myself out there.  I decided to become the COPE co-chair to get out there and meet new people and hopefully start to make friends.  I was just at a meeting the other night and ended up talking to just really one person (as usual).  I kept thinking "I am a co-chair.  I should be moving around the room seeing how things are going not just having a conversation with one person."  Did I ever do that?  No!  I have thought about resigning as co-chair thinking that maybe I am just not meant to chair a meeting.  I get all anxious at the thought of having to start a meeting.  This is absolutely crazy since I am a social worker and I should be able to run something akin to a support group, or so one would think.  The other part of me says, your a crazy person and just stay with it, which is probably what I will do unless someone asks me to.

I could write a book on my insecurities and maybe it would be a good thing to write them down, just maybe not in cyberworld for the world to see.  I think it may be helpful for me to see in black and white what they are so that I can dela with them.  One of the things that I don't want to do is pass on my lack of self confidence to my children.  I know what it was like growing up not feeling good enough and I don't ever want them to feel that way!

So, I have put myself out there writing about this.  Hopefully if people read this, they won't think I am truly a crazy person.  Hopefully other people in the twins group won't want me to step down from being the co-chair of COPE.  I guess I just needed to put some of this out there for myself to see in writing and maybe if I did it in blog format, I was hoping that other people will comment on waht I have written.  Some day, I'll deal with these foolish insecurities and hopefully will stop beayting myself up.

Thanks for listening,
Amy

Making Friends

Why is it that making friends is so much harder when you get older?  Or is it just me?  I still have a few friends from high school and college, but different life changes in each of our lives has made it more difficult to remain close.  I have never been one to have many friends.  I was always more likely to have a couple of really good close friends, that I could confide everything in.  As I got older and our lives started to change, some of these friendships grew apart.  Some of these friendships really needed to grow apart and some I really wish hadn't.  Now that I have 3 kids, I am finding it even harder to make friends vs aquaintences.  I have a number of aquaintences, but no real close new friends.  I had hoped that being a part of the twins group, would make this task much easier, but it really hasn't.  I think a big part of it is me.  I tend to be on the quiet side, even thought there are some people in my life who would disagree.  I tend to feel so awkward around new people and hope that they will invite me in to their circle with out me having to do much work (not that I don't want to, it just the fear that I will still be rejected even after I have made a huge effort).  Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I haven't put enough effort into making friends.  Maybe I'm assuming that people don't want to be friends with me, when the truth is that I have never given them the chance.  Here I am at 37 and I feel more I like I am in junior high or high school when it comes to making friends!  I would love to have friends that have kids around my kids ages, husbands or significant others that will get along with my husband, and someone that I could have a close strong friendship with.  Maybe, I just haven't given the aquaintences that I have met enough of a chance or maybe I just haven't found the right people yet.  So, I am going to try to be more outgoing.  I have become a COPE co-chair for my twins group in hopes that I would become more a part of the group, instead of just being on the sidelines.  I am also going to give some of these aquaitences more of a chance to grow before I say that they are not friends.  I have to get over the fact that it really has seemed like in the past, when I have gotten together with people, we never seem to get together again.  I think maybe I need to make more of an effort in this area (getting together with people again after a playdate).  I think I also need to realize that most of the moms that I know have twins (at least and maybe more) and that they are busy too.  I also need to stop thinking that I am the total problem and start realizing that people may want to be more friends with me than I think!