Thursday, March 3, 2011

Overcoming My Insecurities

Ok, so  I've written a couple of poor me posts about my insecurities about meeting new people and making new friends.  Yes, I still have them, but I am finally recognizing that I am having way too high of expectations.  I keep thinking about my sister in law and her best friend.  When I was in undergraduate school, I had to do a paper on how friendships change over the developmental stages.  I remember hearing the story of how my sister in law became friends with her now best friend, only what I usually remember is that they became friends because they had kids who were all around the same ages.  What I forget is that the best friend piece didn't happen overnight.  I forget that this was a friendship that went through different stages and then ultimately they became best friends.  I think I am in limbo right now with having a best friend.  I guess on some level I miss having that person, that girlfriend who you share everything with.  I have friends, but since I am the only one of my friends with little kids, having that commonality of marriage, and kids, and a a house, and a job just isn't there.  The only firends that I have who have children who are the same ages as mine are from my twins group.  Like others have commented, having little ones makes finding new firends and maintaining old friendships difficult, never mind trying to find a best friend.  I know that as the kids get older and the chaos of life changes, I will have more of a chance of making new friendships and maybe even finding a new best friend.  The funny thing is I still have friends from high school, I jsut don't feel like the relationships are the same as they were back then nor should they be.  I just need to keep putting myself out there, meeting new people, and someday it will click.  I will have that "best friend" again.  Hopefully, when the weather gets warmer and we can get outside and go to the park things will get better.  I can have people over to my house and enjoy our backyard with others.  I am getting out to more playdates. 

I think this winter has made it hard for me to feel positive about new friendships.  I forget that everyone's lives are busy, especially mine and I don't always maintain contact with people like I should.  I have had a couple of positive interactions this week that have me feeling much better about things in general.  Sometimes, I think my shyness really harms me.  The funny thing is I am so much less shy than I was when I was younger.  The difference is that when I was younger I didn't have a large circle of friends, I had one best friend and a few aquaintences.  I think that is the biggest issue.  I always had a best friend, but now I have a much larger circle/community of people in similar situations that I can get together with and share things.

I'm not sure if what i am writing is really saying how i am feeling, but I am definitely feeling more positve regarding meeting people and making friends.  I got a comment on my other blog regarding a totally different topic, and the commenter basically said go easy on yourself.  I tend to have pretty high expectations for myself and when they don't get met, I tend to feel pretty bad.  What I should do, is have lower expectations for myself, ones that can actually be met given that I have 3 little kids!

Thanks to everyone who has read these posts and especially to those who have commented.  I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement!



  1. Jeez, I haven't been reading any blogs lately...I would say I have been busy, but huge is probably more accurate! Huge and busy! Either way, friends definitely are a stages like someone's wife, or a mom in the park and not until you have spent time "figuring her out" do you know if you can make it through "anything." Don't be too concerned with having a best friend, because that will just cause you to put undue pressure on any new relationships you do develop. Plus, with so many little kids, you probably don't have a whole lot of time to invest outside of your "normal" daily life, right now. That will change too. Good luck, lady!

  2. We were a combination of too sick and too over-scheduled this winter. I'm really looking forward to spring weather and getting outside on a regular basis. Perhaps we could try getting our crew together again at a playground once the conditions are right.

  3. I have the opposite problem. 98% of my friends have little children. I have one friend that I met a few years ago who has a daughter older than my son. I currently travel in large groups of 3 (myself, my husband and my daughter). I don't have any friends here in Florida. Most of my friends are in Massachusetts, a couple in New York and one in California.
    Then there is the grandchild factor.. LOL. I only have one friend with grandchildren (and she lives in MA. The one with the daughter older than my son). She has a grandson older than mine and two that are younger.

    I don't let it worry me though. The "best friend" and I will find each other just like you and yours will.. It could end up being someone in Michael's pre-school class or someone in Eva Rose's 3rd grade class. It will happen my friend.